I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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