I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
