We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
