sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
