How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
