go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
