How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
