I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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