70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
