I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
