I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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