My sheets look like a crime scene.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We left an ass print on the piano.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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