and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
