Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
