You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
