dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
