i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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