no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
