i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
