Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
