I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
