I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
