I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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