im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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