i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
