maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
