somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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