I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
