dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
