btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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