My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
