I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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