Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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