Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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