Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
