I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
