dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
