Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
