he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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