I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
