I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
