tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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