So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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