We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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