I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize