I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
as a side note pls kill me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
