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if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
