the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
