decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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