I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
