The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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