Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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