I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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