There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
