I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
