I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
