I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
