Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Michael Bay diarrhea
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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