He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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