i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
