You made me cry and you don't even care
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
